Wednesday, December 30, 2009

a difference in opinion



stasis:

hi blog. good afternoon. sadly this is my morning. i was up SO SO late last night doing the file for "9 Parts of Desire"-- but it is getting there, which is GRAND. so i overslept and got up at noon. oh, i blush to even say it. tonight i'm going to take tylenol pms and go to bed at a respectable hour and get up at a respectable hour. i love my mornings, and i really do get sad when i miss them. so enough of this night owl crap. i'm much much more productive in the early am than the late pm anyway. so this morning i got up, talked to dad and mom, made myself a waffle and coffee (and a soy sausage! mmm) and came into the red room to blog and check my emails, talked to my friend ben and now i'm watching sesame street while i eat breakfast. today's plan is to complete the visual file and the production history for 9 Parts. also dad will be in philly tonight so he said he will stop by at some point, which should be grand. we're good at parallel play- he can work on some work and i can work on my file. maybe dinner too.. we have lots of good groceries. anyway. these are the days folks. i'm hoping to get a good long city walk in at some point today too- it was part of my waking up earlier plan that didn't pan out... but my right knee is a mess and so it is important to keep it moving.

and in other news... i'm starting a new blog. (don't worry, i'll still write in this one- at the very least i need to keep track of my gratitude, oui?) My sister and I are starting a blog in the style of the book "A Year of Mornings" that she bought me for x-mas. It was started by two friends- one in Portland, MA and one in Portland, OR. They each posted one picture every morning. So since we live in different cities and lead different lives, our blog should have some appeal... at very least we'll enjoy it and it will be something to show the kids one day. :-)

we're starting January 1st. I'll send the information here when I know it.

daily zen:

I am a part of all that I have met.

~Alfred Lord Tennyson

5 things:

1- time
2- coffee with soy
3- our clean home
4- my family
5- my rory

Sunday, December 27, 2009

i'm every other week



stasis:

"i'm awake. relax."- rory

oh blog. i woke up this morning with san diego on my brain in a very serious way. i need to spend time this xmas break (you know between the travel and wedding and d-file and prep for mat class, and homework and prep for Annie) picking repertoire for the audition. i want to go there so badly it makes me good nervous to even think about thinking about it. i went on the webpage and looked at all the classes that they offer and it felt like christmas morning! i mean- research & bibliography for musical theater????! they are speaking my language! they also offer this great version of mt history- where you take a standard 2 semester mt history- chronologically surveying the genre, but you also concurrently take a musical theatre history lab where you analyze librettos and scores chronologically!!! how cool is that???! anyway- i'll jinx my life if i talk about it too much more... but sometimes you just know where you're supposed to be. a little story- when i was applying to undergrads i didn't even think to apply to uarts. i had my heart set on ccm, and boston and cmu as back ups. i went to the cincy audition and got physically typed out (story of my life) and then we did the unifieds in NYC- and i did really well with all the schools there but something didn't feel finished, and i went down to shenandoah and did really well there but it wasn't right... and then a friend of a teacher of a friend that had helped me with monologues said- you should go to uarts. i said- what is uarts? but we figured since it was a short little drive we'd go up and audition on a whim- no real interest, no expectations- but when we got there and i walked into the school for the first time i knew. i auditioned for Rick (an amazing mentor of mine now) and Forrest... whose reputation speaks for itself- and i walked out of the building and right up to my mom and said no matter what i HAD to go there. i just knew. it was where i was meant to be. this feels like that.


but enough jinxing the fates.


this morning my mom woke me up at 10:45 (ugh!) we sleep in the basement here so there isn't enough light to wake you up naturally, see. and she and i had breakfast together- english muffins and coffee- and talked about the details of the San Diego trip. then i fiddled on the computer a little as i mentioned above. then em & ky came home and dad came downstairs and they had breakfast. then rory came up stairs and had his and now we're getting ready to head to wilmington for the day- and then believe it or not- our fateful trip to Philly this evening. home again home again as they say. lots lots lots to do. and not a lots of time in which to do it. but we will manage. we always do. happy liminal week between xmas and new years and my birthday!


daily zen:

IF you're afraid of being grabbed by God, don't look at a wall.
Definitely don't sit still.

-Jiyu Kennett (Essential Zen)


5 things:

1-family time at home(s)
2- all of these wonderful academic chances ahead of me
3- incredible friends back in philly
4- a very generous christmas- we are fortunate beyond fortunate
5- the love of my life: rory

Friday, December 25, 2009

Mommy... He Can Fly Now.



Stasis:

Alright. I've been a terrible blogger. but I'm better now, I swear. I will write every day. I promise. So- Happy Christmas! My family decided to celebrate on the 23rd this year- yeah we're a mess- Emmy & Kyle spent the holiday in Virginia with his family and so they had to leave Maryland yesterday around 2pm... so we decided to do a big dinner and then open presents the night of the 23rd. Then yesterday we spent lots of good time at home- played Rumicube with my mom, i worked on my post grad applications, then we packed up the car and headed down to the christmas eve party at aunt pam's house, saw my family and then before too late we piled back into the car, and drove to wilmington where we spent the rest of the night with the donovan family. rory and i fell asleep on the couch with the tree lit and the fire roaring... it was grand. so this morning we woke up maybe around 7 ish? and moved from the couch to a bed upstairs and slept in for a few hours. then we came downstairs and did presents and a big family breakfast. then ror and i went up stairs and he took a nice long nap while i edited my See What I Wanna See essay for my applications and found and edited my Manifesto from last year to include as well. I think tomorrow or sunday i'm going to just print a copy of each of my written works and make a portfolio to take with me when i go to these interviews. might be easier. annnnyway. now polly & i are watching 'amazing stories' (i got them for ror on dvd for xmas) and then at 2:30 we're leaving for xmas dinner at mema's. and i'm distracted and not paying attention anymore so i'll stop blogging for now. i'll write tomorrow i promise.

Daily Zen:

Things are not what they appear to be: nor are they otherwise.
-Surangama Sutra

5 Things:

1- Time to write and apply
2- Family in many states
3- 2 generous and loving Christmases
4- Polly & Max's March 2011 Bali Wedding!!!!!! (and in turn my & ror's early honeymoon)
5- my soulmate & best friend- Rory

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Rudolph & Queer Theory

R & I are watching Rudolph... and I made some remark about Herbie being queer- as in representing queer theory.. and so I hopped on the ever beloved google- and true 'nuff...

the theory exists!!
early gift from me to you.
enjoy:




Queering Santa’s Workshop
January 15, 2009 — Michael K. Johnson
Queering Santa’s Workshop: Gender, Difference, and Elfnicity in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

How does one account for the popularity of the story of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Clearly, this rather absurd tale of a ruddy-nosed quadruped speaks to us on some deep level, but what is it saying? and why are we listening?

As you will no doubt recall, Rudolph is “the most famous reindeer of all,” made famous not by his heroic nose-glowing sled-guiding as the story would have it but rather by the fictional account of that feat in a song called “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” first recorded by Gene Autry in 1949, a song that became so popular that, according to Wikipedia, it has now sold more copies than all the editions of the Bible ever published combined with the total record sales of the Beatles, Michael Jackson, and Madonna.

However, I should state from the outset that this essay is not concerned with the Gene Autry version of the story. Rather, my discussion will privilege the Rudolph story as presented in the 1964 claymation animated television special (the Burl Ives Rudolph, as a number of scholars call it). I recognize that such privileging of one text over another needs justification, and perhaps extensive footnoting, if not excessive use of parentheses, brackets, and colons [and be rest assured: I plan to use all three (3)].

I certainly would agree that the song deserves serious critical discussion, not only the famous Autry interpretation of the song, and particularly the performative elements of that interpretation [not to mention how Autry’s persona as a “singing cowboy” might have shaped the audience’s response (particularly if we consider the narrative within the context of the genre of the western) to that performance], but also the song itself as text, as ecriture, not just as a piece of music waiting to be performed but as an always already complete yet infinite piece (and, by “piece,” of course, I mean “whole”) rich and rewarding in itself before the first note is played. However, although the song pre-dates the animated special, I feel that the combination of visual and musical motifs make the television show the richest text for critical examination.

To refamiliairize ourselves with the basic “story” of Rudolph, we should note that Rudolph, from the beginning, is marked by his difference, by his red nose. As the text of the song states, “you could even say it glows.” The other reindeer do not have such noses, and although we might argue that in a more enlightened society, such a minor physical difference as a glowing red nose would be hardly more notable than, say, a sixth finger or an extra horn growing from the forehead, the culture of the North Pole is not so enlightened as our own.

As Rudolph himself asks, “just because my nose glows, why don’t I fit in?” And it’s a darn good question, but Rudolph’s difference is viewed as a deformity so extreme as to justify his exclusion “from all their reindeer games.”

Life at the North Pole (and we should note that the “pole” is just the first of many phallic signifiers in the masculinized culture of the, er, Pole) is dominated by several patriarchal figures: a grouchy Santa—the Father figure whose name gives meaning to the symbolic order he has founded at the North Phallus, er, Pole; the Head Elf, who essentially runs an elven sweatshop and inculcates the other elves into the dominant ideology (teaching them to sing, for example, “We are Santa’s Elves,” in which they cheerfully embrace their subaltern status: can the subaltern speak? we might ask instead, can the subaltern carry a tune?).

Then we have Donner, Rudolph’s uptight father, who hopes to attain approval from his symbolic father (Santa) by providing Old Saint Nick with another male “descendent,” a continuation of the patriarchal line; and Comet, the coach and testosterone-infused leader (“My job is to make bucks of you”) of the so-called “reindeer games” (and it should be noted that engaging in these games, according to Rudolph’s young companion, Fireball, will “make antlers grow”—all in keeping with the phallocentric culture of the North Pole).

All these patriarchs work to suppress difference. “You’ll be a normal buck just like everybody else,” insists Donner, recognizing that within the symbolic order of the North Pole Rudolph’s nose will signify a lack of masculine control and power. Thus he instructs Rudolph to hide his nose beneath a layer of mud and repress his difference.

Donner hopes Rudolph will be “a chip off the old antlers,” but he finds the red nose unmanly, a distraction from the visible sign of masculine status (antlers), and a symbol of his own failure to father a proper male and thus please his own symbolic father.

The suppression of Rudolph’s red nose is the suppression of what the patriarchs perceive as a feminine characteristic. The glowing red nose is in fact a symbol of the feminine jouissance that the patriarchs have renounced in order to join Santa’s symbolic order, is the very sign of the being they have exchanged in order to have meaning within that order. Rudolph’s red nose endangers patriarchy itself for it reminds the patriarchs of what they’ve lost, the “pure substance of enjoyment,” the dangerous irrepressible femininity (“you could even say it glows”) that they must guard against—within themselves and within others.

Because his red nose represents all those terrible / wonderful uncontrollable things that the patriarchs have excluded from their identities in order to focus exclusively on one type of marker of identity (antlers, poles, etc.), Rudolph, abject figure that he is, likewise must be excluded from the reindeer games that form the very fabric of Santa’s patriarchy.

Like the does, Rudolph can only watch as the bucks compete with each other for status, as playing “reindeer games” is merely a prelude to competing for Santa’s favor and being chosen to pull his sleigh. When Clarissa seeks to join with Mrs. Donner to hunt for Rudolph, they are both told, “This is man’s work,” and they are left behind while the men wander aimlessly and uselessly in search of the runaway reindeer (although Clarissa and Mrs. Donner ignore the male orders and demonstrate that does can wander just as aimlessly and uselessly as bucks).

Each subordinate group in Santa’s patriarchy has its own version of “reindeer games,” a system of practices and rituals through which the individual elf, reindeer, or toy is interpellated as the subject of Santa’s ideology.

Akin to “reindeer games” is “elf practice,” where the elves, among other things, practice “ear wiggling.” However, the very idea of “elf practice” points to the circular reasoning of ideology. Elfnicity is supposedly natural to one’s being as an elf, so why would an elf need to practice being an elf? In practicing what is supposedly innate, one becomes the elf that he already is. Like gender, elfnicity is a cultural construction rather than a product of nature. Otherwise, nature would take its course and both “elf practice” and “reindeer games” would be unnecessary, but Santa’s patriarchal order needs Elves and Bucks, and he must make them by suppressing and excluding other identities—and thus the cruel rituals of “elf practice” and “reindeer games” as a means of reproducing those identities and winnowing out the “misfits.”

We might articulate in abstract form the structure of Santa’s symbolic order by means of a schema from Jacque Lacan’s Encore.



The arrows in this schema, as Slavoj Zizek observes in Looking Awry, mark “the process of symbolization of the imaginary,” with the three objects on the sides of the triangle operating as “nothing but the three ways to maintain a kind of distance toward the traumatic central abyss,” the absence of meaning that always threatens to erode the symbolic systems we create to cover over that abyss (135).

As Zizek writes, the “object small a is thus the ‘hole in the real’ that sets symbolization in motion; the capital phi, the ‘imaginarization of the real,’ is a certain image that materializes nauseous enjoyment; and, finally S(A), the signifier of the lack in the big Other (the symbolic order), of its inconsistency. . . . The abyss in the middle (the balloon encircling the letter J—jouissance) is of course the whirlpool of enjoyment threatening to swallow us all” (135).

Applied to the social order at the North Pole, we might adapt Lacan’s schema thus:




Of course, the “whirlpool of enjoyment” at the center of the narrative (without it, there’d be no story) is Rudolph’s red nose, the jouissance that threatens to swallow us all—at least, that’s the way Santa and his patriarchs respond to Rudolph’s glowing difference. For the capital phi we substitute the abominable snowman, whose “nauseous enjoyment” is exemplified by his salivating mouth; for the S(A), we substitute S(A)nta, who is the signifier of his own lack. He institutes tyrannical oversight and a blustery management style to conceal his own inefficiency and inability to perform his duties without a vast force of elves and reindeer—who do all the actual labor while he broods and complains. S(A)nta’s lack necessitates the creation of the hierarchical social structure that he erects to conceal that very lack.

As Rudolph’s story is an allegory of gender difference, his friend Herbie’s story is one of sexual difference. Although one might interpret Rudolph’s red nose as a sign of queer subjectivity, Rudolph is precociously heterosexual (and bonded with Clarissa shortly after entering puberty). Herbie, on the other hand, bonds exclusively with other males, not only Rudolph but also Yukon Cornelius. But Herbie’s queerness extends far beyond a preference for male companionship. Not in the least bit interested in closeting his identity, Herbie skips elf practice, hates being an elf, disparages making toys, and makes no secret of his unacceptable desire to become a dentist.

Herbie also expresses his sense of difference through his physical appearance. While all the other male elves are completely bald, this misfit elf has blonde wavy hair (much like the female elves) and red full lips (whereas the other male elves seem to have found a way to constrain such expressive lippiness in favor of thin black lines for mouths; perhaps they have surgically altered their lips to remove any sign of feminine voluptuousness, or perhaps part of the cruelty of elf practice involves body-altering exercises to produce lip-thinning).

Herbie is a Lacanian hero in that he refuses to cede his desire (to be a dentist) to the desire of the big Other (that he be a proper thin-lipped hairless toymaking elf). He refuses to integrate into North Pole society on its terms, and, whereas Rudolph is excluded from the games he wants to join, Herbie has no interest in joining Santa’s games and practices, and he refuses to take up the subject position that the symbolic order demands that he occupy, refuses to subject himself to the Name of the Father [aka, S(A)nta], and leaves the North Pole to seek out a place more accepting of dentistry.

Oddly enough, the most seemingly masculine character in the television show, Yukon Cornelius, with his whip, gun, and facial hair, may provide the most important model of an alternate identity for the young misfits. He has not subjected himself to S(A)nta’s Law; he respects the otherness of the other, accepting both Herbie’s dentistry ambitions and Rudolph’s nose. He provides community, companionship, and nurturing (feminine qualities, all of which are notably absent or present only in highly masculinized forms at the North Pole). Although he does defeat the abominable snowman (with the help of Herbie), he does not kill the beast but tames it, in effect encouraging the snowman to abandon its violent hypermasculine ways in favor of a more feminized, less abominable, snowpersonish identity.

Yukon Cornelius has learned the value of both masculinity and femininity, and, by the end of the episode, S(A)nta seems to learn something about the value of difference as well. However, only when feminine difference offers an important way—becomes the only way—that patriarchy can carry out its functions does the patriarch recognize the value of Rudolph’s difference. Only then does S(A)nta state those famous lines: “Rudolph, with your nose so bright / Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight.” We should note, finally, that it is only when Rudolph is accepted into the patriarchy, when he subjects himself to the Name of the Father by answering S(A)nta’s hail, that he is told, “you’ll go down in history.”

Thursday, December 17, 2009

looking in the window of this emptied out space


stasis:

listening to "mr choy & madam g".... musical theater is my healing medicine. did you know? i'm cheesey but my lady friend says i'm wicked smart so i don't mind being both. i'm an enigma, see? anyway... i woke up this morning around ten and started to write the long version of my gender politics paper... and literally (no joke- why would i joke about this) i'm still doing exactly that. i haven't been outside. i haven't watched tv. nothing. i took a shower around 6pm. and around 9 i poured myself a glass of wine. that's my entire day. oh, i brushed my teeth when i woke up. but seriously that's it. i have about 200 more words. i will be fine. that is why i'm breaking to write this. i'm thinking i'll write all night and then wake up and edit. in a perfect world i would have taken it to the writing center for a professional world- but no time. in a less perfect world i would have sent it to my dad or sister or ror's parents for a proof read... but no time. so i'm just braving it. but i know Fr David- and if it is accepted for the Philadelphia Research Symposium- as i PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY it will be... he will help me with the necessary edits. so that's that. anyway. that's all i have. paper's due tomorrow at noon and then i breathe for 5 minutes before starting my "9 parts of desire" d-file. oh and christmas somewhere too... right?

song of the day:

"mr choi & madame g"



daily zen:


"If you wish to drown, do not torture yourself with shallow water."
-Bulgarian Proverb

5 things:

1- rory
2- pinot noir
3- my beautiful macbook
4- comfy hand-me-up dresses from wmily
5- our clean home

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Ludlow Overeasy Did It!


stasis:

i'm a horrible blogger anymore.. I know. I'm sorry. So- today I slept in as late as I could, but the stress of money and life and this time of year and school woke me up repeatedly starting around 8am... I think I finally got out of bed at 10.. so it was rest, even if not the most restful rest. Then I fussed around the house whining and weeping about woe is me, had breakfast in the tub while reading Way of the World, took the trash out, had a nice little lunch date with Rory in our red room, sent him to school, made myself a snack that upset my tummy, bemoaned my tummy ache a little, trimmed the tree some more, lit all out holiday candles, and now i'm reading 'fuente ovejuna' finally. and I do mean finally because its over a year since i was supposed to have read it. oops. well i'm reading it now aren't i?! then i'm gonna finish 'conscious lovers' and read 'the london merchant' and scan our study sheet. so tomorrow morning is just refreshing everything i should *hypothetically already know*... i'm not a fan of these oral exams. i freeze up. i do much better writing than talking (never thought you'd hear me say that did you?). i am also hypothetically working on my father david paper throughout all of this. hypothetically. its in good shape but i need to do a lot of work to be able to turn it in by noon friday. but i also have lots of quality time in which to do said work. and THEN it will be time for christmas. eesh. i may yet live through my MA.


song of the day:


'jingle bell rock'




daily zen:

"You have said it, but you have not understood."
-Jesus of Nazareth

5 things:

1- my amazing mother
2- this beautiful day
3- my papazan chair
4- yankee xmas candles
5- rory- the love of my life

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

if you want me to i will


stasis:

hi blog. woke up late today because its my day to sleep. crazy right? i'm loving it. had coffee and pb waffle as i like to do. and finished my director's prep sheet, emailed my crucibillies as i call them, and now after this i'm going to finish my bader ejournal work. then from here till the end (save my orals friday- they were rescheduled) its just directing scenes (easy & fun), re-reading the bader plays, and re-writing the fr. david paper (the see what i wanna see paper). so i can balance those two things for sure. this time next week i'll be one day away. hard to believe. but it feels good. it feels stressed but i see the light. and it IS there. almost christmas. did i mention i really havent gotten out of bed yet today?? mmm.


song of the day:

"revolution" beatles





daily zen:

The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer. ~Edward R. Murrow


5 things:
1- finished director's prep sheet & an incredible scene i'm proud of
2- wednesday = kati day
3- my beautiful mother
4- my incredible friends at school. family away from family.
5- the love of my life, my one and only forever- rory

Monday, December 7, 2009

this has all been a test






stasis:

BLOG! i can't take it. this end of the semester is murder. briefly- woke up and rushed to school for rehearsal at 11 for ben's directing scene, spent the rest of the day at school doing homework before a little building (andy & ben helped me with my fireplace). then we did the preview performances for andy, ben & nel's scenes. which was fine but stressful- but fine. then ben and i went over notes, then the long trek home, the chilly walk from the parking garage, got home & cleaned the house- meant to take a bath but haven't peeled myself out of my couch yet. ror got here- we're about to eat the latest meal ever... then my bath. tomorrow morning we have a scholars meeting forever early (9:30)... so. another VERY long day. but its SO close.


song of the day:

"in the bleak midwinter/the first noel" celtic women



daily zen:

No thought, no reflection, no analysis, no cultivation, no intention;
let it settle itself....
by Tilopa.

5 things:
1- my blue warm vest/sweater thing
2- coffee
3- our clean home
4- jessica... i guess ben & chris too
5- my beautiful rory

Saturday, December 5, 2009

i dont want to write this



stasis:

welp. i'm annie oakley. i'm so so ecstatic. i also have slept almost not at all the last week because of school work & rehearsals, auditions & call backs... so... i'm also exhausted. but this morning at 11 i turned in my bader paper- and i can tell you this: i will make it! after the paper, ben took myself, nicole & bill to get props from various locations, including my logs for the wooded scene. then i rehearsed crucible 12-2 with costumes (they look beautiful!) and then stayed and rehearsed more with my john & elizabeth. then got home and cleaned a little while ror cleaned the bedroom, i did the dishes and talked to my J- and now i'm gearing up to spend the night with my director's prep sheet. it will be done tonight. come hell or high water. AND- today is the first snowfall of the winter! we win this one global warming!

song of the day:

enjoy




daily zen:

"from the withered tree a flower blooms."

5 things:
1- SNOW
2- my brilliant Crucibillies
3- time
4- our clean apartment
5- roar

Friday, December 4, 2009

we're gonna rock/roll/bop/bowl






stasis:

let me tell you blog.. these days are long and rough. and dont you that's what she said me because i already know. too much stress to write about them. suffice to say- these are long and difficult days. still doing homework that will never be done. still haven't heard about the musical. that's all. and i really want a christmas tree. soon.


song of the day:

"merry christmas darling" karen carpenter

in my opinion, the ONLY christmas song.



daily zen:

gratitude.
grace.

5 things:
1- my J
2- amazing family of friends at Nova, we're so blessed
3- my beautiful family
4- the tiny extension on the bader paper
5- my rory

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

falls in a well- eyes get crossed- kicked by a mule...



oy. also vey.

i've been writing all day to little avail. i'm near to having an outline for my bader paper. i wrote my ejournal. i wrote the answer for one question on the director's prep. eesh. and, no cast list yet.

so i'm trying to move bravely forward with my homework and not think about it.. but of course i can't get 'annie' out of my head. i'm an emotional lady. i'm working on it. but i'm sending lots of grand christmas wishes out into the universe and thinking very positive thoughts. what else can ya do?

also. i made myself a big glass of wine with dinner. its so yummy- i think the little kick of sugar will help me pull through. if only we had an oven, there'd be cookies involved.

so now to finish at least 4 pages of the paper, and two more prep sheet questions.

i can do it. i'm sure of it.

if i can only get my mind off of this musical.




sigh

oh, and-

did i mention that today is a nervous day?

but my JESSICA.... passed her Orals Defense! i couldn't be more proud. Andy is defending his as we speak & mine are next wednesday.

it all happened so fast, didn't it?

for my J


stasis:

oh blog. i've not been writing because i'm completely stressed out. there is so much work, important work, and literally no time. last night we had call backs for the last two shows of the season, annie get your gun & medea. if you know me, you can guess. my entire heart & soul is/was in the annie call backs. i have been doing musicals since before i could speak and they are the world to me. i have never understood myself or the world better than i do through musicals. and if you know me you also know that i don't care if that sounds cheesey, because its true. i've devoted my life to the art form and so it is my happiness. the call backs were grand... but i'm always completely terrified scared about these things. they're just so important to me. and i am... contrary to popular opinion... actually quite a delicate flower. so. last night we had call backs and so i didn't sleep a single wink tonight. (sadly not a joke- i dozed from 9:30-10:10 am & had an incredible dream where i was talking to Michael (from school) and he was asking me about what my tattoos mean. how deep is THAT!?) i woke up.. or rather got out of bed, checked my email somewhere around 8,000 times, read 'conscious lovers' for v&f, took a bath, talked to my J (whose orals are today!), talked to my butros, talked to rory a little bit (who really is grand about making me feel good about myself) and now i'm nearly done the portion of my director's prep sheet that i've been working on. then i have to write my e-journal and get down to brass tacks with this v&f paper. then my dad might be passing through philly tonight, so if we can we're going to have dinner together. then more homework continually forever...


everything's gonna get lighter- even if it never gets better. as they say.

but seriously. soon things will be lessened. i just have to hold in there. and i am.

gratitude & grace.

song of the day:

"Make You Crazy" Brett Dennen



I LOVE THIS SONG.

hope for the hopeless.

daily zen:

the mantra i used to finally get myself to a little sleep this morning was:

there's nothing more that i can do.
the world's going to do exactly what it wants to.
i'm just going to go along for the ride.
gratitude.
grace.


5 things:
1- my amazing, unbelievable friends. i am SUCH a lucky girl.
2- my mother.
3- homework
4- my J
5- my Ror