ah- jeez.

stasis:

i probably don't have time to blog, but i'm gonna do it anyway because i'm a bit stressed it turns out. i say it turns out because.. aside from a pretty sizable project i have to do for my Independent Study- there's nothing really looming over my head at this moment. there are things in the future but far enough away that they should be scaring me now. and yet- i've felt funny and off the last part of last night (after dad had gone home) and into this morning. and get this- last night apparently i shot up in bed screaming (this happens pretty frequently but usually on a 1-10 the terror would be maybe a 5.5, ror says and usually its just me saying "no. wait- please. wait wait. wait.") but last night i shot up screaming in terror- like TERROR and when ror woke me up from it i was sort of laying up in bed and he was trying to hold me asking me what i was scared of - and i heard myself saying it was him. and that he wasn't him- and i kid you not- i was SHAKING like a leaf- like my whole body was shaking in terror. eventually i realized i was awake and he was tehre and what was happening and he was able to calm me back to sleep- but i scared myself SO much. what is going on in my life?! yes- big changes but we'll figure that out. this was so strange and intense. i don't know. i got a haircut friday that ... its neat. but it ended up doing the opposite of what i wanted it to do- i wanted to keep my long hair and get a trim and the layers ended up being like joan jett funky and while it has a lot of spunk- i really lost all of the length i have been growing out since cabaret and would have liked to keep growing for the wedding. we'll see. i'm going to will it to grow fast again. and i have some cute things to do with it till then- but that isn't enough to inspire terror, is it? eesh. anyway. woke up this mornign with a tummy ache. realized that rory and i both had scheduled big events with the car today. sadly i had scheduled first and i can't re-neg- so he had to cancel his appointment. i felt/feel bad but i am driving my students to see "Spelling Bee" this afternoon for a grade and its their last chance and i have scheduled it for months - so. oh well. after that i have styles rehearsal for a few hours. then home for more homework. i think i figured out the big project i just need to re-do some work and crunch down with it. it can be done. i don't know. as good old loggain in the spelling bee would say "i'm so stressed by my stress i just wanna up and vomit."

song of the day:

"homeward bound" simon & garfunkel




daily zen:

“Stress is basically a disconnection from the earth,
a forgetting of the breath.
Stress is an ignorant state.
It believes that everything is an emergency.
Nothing is that important.
Just lie down.”

-natalie goldberg


5 things:

1- my amazing parents
2- a house full of groceries
3- rory's beautiful cleaning job in the bedroom yesterday
4- cute hats to go with my new hairdo
5- my best friend. the love of my life. r