breathe in the nose & out the mouth

stasis:

i'm a mess blog. being home for break was nice- but it also stirred up a lot of bad toxins. like when you get a massage and it makes you cry? i have kept my nose down for so long with nova, that taking two seconds off and surrounding myself with family (near and extended) and the pressure of my potentially impending life crushed me. i feel so torn- because half of me is in heaven upon heaven with this weather and our clean apartment and the life that's swirling all around... but the other half... this is the evil half that literally gets chest pain every time i think about san diego, the part the lays awake in bed for hours (seriously) just panicking about it all, the part that is so freaked out about never ever making it to the starting line- about moving away from my fiance, my best friends, my family- for two years going completely alone for MORE masters work... this is the part that gets that running like a scary chant in the back of my head and makes me tense and distracted and unfocused and completely unhealthy. so that's the part i tried to leave in maryland- but...

we woke up early, grumped a little and were on the road to philly. it was a beautiful ride for which we were silent for about 80% of it. which ror loves.. i love too but not on days like today when i'm facing down the barrel of 6-?? months of living apart with him, and no actual wedding date in sight. we got to philly & i dropped him off. drove home & carried three heavy bags to the apartment. we'll get the rest later. i cleaned up. had some carrots, watered my flowers, and read some homework. now i'm blogging- cooking linner, then i will respond to said readings, read more and head to annie brush up.

its all good. i just need... maybe a massage- maybe i will treat myself to a big old massage. like an hour long. and if i want i'll cry. just because it will feel so good.

song of the day:

"watching the wheels" john lennon



daily zen:

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.”
— Herman Hesse

5 things:

1- time
2- sunshine
3- home cookin'
4- annie get your gun
5- rory